A grab bag of news today, of varying importance and interest, I'm sure.

I'm cleaning the apartment today to prepare for the arrival of my paternal parental unit tomorrow afternoon. I'm really not looking forward to seeing him at all. I'm kind of dreading it, actually. But the choice was not given to me, so there we go.

While for a period of time it looked likely that I would be spending half the summer here and half the summer back with 'rents, I'm leaning more and more towards staying here the entire time. Sure, I'd be able to see some of my friends again, but I would have to spend a lot of time with my family. I'm not really all that keen on that idea.

Yesterday, I discovered a shard of glass in my carpet... with my heel. Not pleasant.

I'm experiencing a major self-confidence crisis. It's not cool. I'm worried about the immediate future - what's going to happen in the next several months - the slightly more distant future - what's going to happen in the next several years - and just yesterday I had a very nice (yeah, right) existential crisis - I'm worried about death, too. Yesterday was the first time in a long time, well over a year at least, that I was depressed enough to sleep a lot more than I needed. I napped most of the day yesterday and went to bed at eleven, even so. I imagine the coming weekend will only exacerbate the situation, but I'll deal. Or not, whatever.

  posted by Matthew @ 11:25 AM

 
The news has come in, and its not as bad as it could have been. The word from on high is that I need to pay for the rent for my apartment come August. So that means that I need to come up with 500 dollars in two months. And I know there are a huge number of people out there right now who want to kick my ass for being even a little upset about that paltry sum. Keep in mind that it's a little different for me. Your critique is still valid, though. It seems acceptable, more or less. Considering the mutual inability of my father and I to communicate with each other on any level deeper than superficiality, it's an excellent arrangement. I have so much I'd like to say to him, but whenever I'm actually speaking with him I clam up and nod inanely. It's a rather frustrating predicament. It consider it to be ironic that, barring myself, he offers me less support than anyone else I know.

Well, screw him. I will get to a point where contact with him is no longer a necessity, and I am no longer financially dependent. Then, we will be on equal ground and I will be able to relate to him on a more significant level. Or not at all, if I decide that's the way I want to go. We'll see.

  posted by Matthew @ 5:34 PM

 
I imagine few people are reading this, which is probably for the best. I don't have much to say tonight, even though I feel like I should. I have a new perspective on my previous semester and my previous year. I can see what happened in a new light now, and that changes things a good deal. I don't know what I think anymore, or at least I'm not as sure as I once was. There is a possibility that change is imminent, and I hope that it will be for the best, if it does indeed occur. But I'm bracing myself for hardship as well, as there is a good chance that there's some of that on the horizon. I remain reservedly optimistic, even in the face of uncertain rewards and certain troubles. If anyone is reading this, keep your fingers crossed for me. It just might come in handy.

"When I was little I used to dream that
I had a cape and I could fly
I rescued my friends from burning buildings
And no one would ever die
But costumes fade fast
And super powers pass"
~gravity, by josh joplin group

  posted by Matthew @ 1:31 AM