Good news and bad, all over.

I'm watching 700 club, and their feathers are all ruffled about the recent supreme decision on homosexual activity and right to privacy. I would just like to say "ha, ha!" I'm impressed it came out the way it did, and 6-3 too. An encouraging moment.

On the other hand, I was dropping by my old grade school to chat with the lady who'll basically be my boss while I'm tutoring kids over there. I saw that there was a little class taking place on the soccer field. A bunch of little kids running around with a ball, and one of them turned out to be my five-year old little brother. Then I saw my dad on the side of the field, yelling at my five-year old brother, "Play on!" It was obvious that none of the kids were really into it, they were just running around. For god's sake, they're five! But there was my dad, the only parent there, making my little brother feel bad about himself already.

Poor kid.

  posted by Matthew @ 12:26 PM

 
I finished the first Harry Potter book. I liked it, which isn't terribly surprising. The only reason I hadn't read it up to this point was a certain fear that it might replace Lord of the Rings as the ultimate fantasy epic in my mind. I don't think that's possible at this point, really. I read LotR in fourth grade, just after I had read the Narnia series (which are also on my summer reading list, or a separate re-reading list I suppose) and I can only now understand the profundity of its effects. If I were a decade or so younger, perhaps I would be a Potter fan instead, but its like trying to get somebody to admit that the saturday morning cartoons being made today are better than their favorites from when they were kids. It can't be done.

And anyway, they appeal to very different parts of the escapist within me. Well, maybe not very different...

Lord of the Rings is much more epic, undoubtedly. The movement of armies, the rise and fall of nations, ancient prophecies, returning kings, and immortal wizards. Harry Potter is much more personal, a much smaller scale, more closely and intently focused. The action is limited to one locale, essentially. But this is not to say that within the context of the story, the action has any less importance to the characters. But Harry Potter is about - as best as I can tell - a gradual maturation process. They're at a school, aren't they?

What appeals to me most about HP is the sense of community that the characters have at their school. I want that. I had something like it once, and I miss it. I have friends, lots of them really. And I'm pretty close to some of them. But... I don't know. I miss the community. I'm glamorizing what I once had, and I know it, but I still miss it.

I like the feeling of belonging Harry finally has when he gets to Hogwarts. I've wanted that for years, forever I guess. You know the song Go the Distance from the disney movie Hercules? That song was enough for me to like the whole movie.

One last thing before I get some sleep that I should have gotten a long time ago, a feeling that I got from LotR and from HP, too. Its a feeling that I say should have a word, but as far as I know there isn't one. Its hard to describe, but its an important thing to me. Its how a lot of the characters in LotR and how Harry were faced with this big, impossible challenges but stood their ground anyway. And even though they tried their best, used up everything at their disposal and never gave up, it just wasn't enough to win, right? And then, in classic deus ex machina style, Gandalf or Dumbledore shows up and everything's all right. And rather than being upset at failure, they're proud of how well Harry or whomever was able to do, considering his relative inexperience. I like that feeling...

This blog is probably way too psychologically intiminate, isn't it? Well, you don't have to read it if you don't want to! :)


  posted by Matthew @ 5:05 AM

 
My father is completely intolerable. I don't like that I have such a strained relationship with my dad. Today, I thought I'd try to reach out an olive branch, so to speak, so I called him and suggested we go see a movie or something. (alternative motive: I really need to discuss some matters of fiduciary importance, and that's difficult when five seconds with the guy puts me on edge) He seemed receptive to the idea, but the next sentence out of his mouth, completely without any transition, was "Do you have a job yet?"

No, dad.

"Why not?"

Well, let's see. 1) I've only been in town three days. 2) I'm only going to be in town a maximum of seven weeks. 3) You want me to take off four days for going up to see family on the fourth of july and an entire freaking week for a vacation the first week of August. 4) I have essentially no occupational experience because throughout my high school career, you steadfastly maintained that my "job" was doing well in school. Now, I can't get my foot in the damn door. 5) I am tutoring at my old grade school, but that's only 4-8 hours a week and isn't good enough for you.

Fuck the movie, and fuck you dad. If its not important to you to have amicable relations with your first-born son, then that's your business. It certainly doesn't matter to me if I hate you.

I've come to the conclusion that, while my dad does act completely illogical and treat me pretty much like shit on a regular basis, he puts me down most cruelly in situations where there is a large group around, usually family. And I've recently noticed that his jabs which tend to be the farthest below the belt almost inevitably follow a joke that I make. Its like he only does it so I'm not the funniest person in the room anymore, or like he wants to be cooler than me, or something. Its difficult to respect somebody who does that to their own son.

So, much like you dad, I've opted to not make the effort. I look forward to a time when I am no longer financially dependent on you, so that I am able to relate to you on my terms, if I choose to at all.

  posted by Matthew @ 2:15 AM

 
I had a good day. It was eventful. I hung out with friends, played games with family, and had to tell other friends that I had plans. I felt pretty good, nice and wanted. It was a good feeling.

For whatever reason, that's passed. I feel overwhelmed. I don't want to deal with adult responsibility right now, and I'm frustrated at the systems all around me, things over which I have no control. I feel small and insignificant, helpless. Its not a good feeling.

Despite the fact that its all kinds of late, I'm going to do something I've been meaning to do for a long time: pick up the first Harry Potty book and start reading it. I feel like some escapist fantasy is just what I need right now.

What I really wish is that I was better able to admit to myself what I really want. Curses to the society that I've grown up in. Girls, its sucks that the image of beauty currently idolized by our culture is nigh-impossible to maintain (and in my opinion, not even that attractive) but us boys haven't gotten away unscathed either. I'm supposed to be all self-reliant and steadfast in the face of adversity, but that can be really hard. I do my best, but there are times when I yearn for the time when there was somebody I could run to who would say that everything would be okay, and I'd believe them.

Odd how difficult that admission is to make. No matter how much I say or try to convince myself that I'm not caught up in the ideology that our culture perpetuates, it doesn't change the underlying reality, does it?

  posted by Matthew @ 3:08 AM

 
I left my accursed playstation memory cards, all four of them, in Bloomington. An egregious error, to be sure. On the plus side, my buddy Jason Francis has offered to return them to me by way of the postal service. Spectacular, no? He's the man, clearly.

I had a bizarre thought, yesterday. For just a moment, a brief flash of time, I considered law school. It was weird, because I'd never seriously thought about it before. It passed, but it was frightening nonetheless. Maybe I'll end up taking that route, who can say?

On an unrelated note, last night I actually dreamed about purchasing Final Fantasy X. I am the saddest person in the entire world. And besides, I can't get it until I have my damn memory cards! Cursed subconscious.

Like my new blog title? I do.

  posted by Matthew @ 12:26 PM

 
So I here I am, back in the house of my childhood.

First, the plus side. The trip down was spectacular, absolutely a treat. Nine hours driving down the interstate. Doing 70, 80, sometimes 90 miles per hour. No AC, so I had the windows down, but it was hot anyway so I had my shirt off. I had burned about a dozen CDs last night to listen to on this trip, and they were blasting. Zevon, Cowboy Mouth, Cake... I had to put them up really high to hear the music over the wind rushing through my open windows. On that subject, I think I either busted my bass or I have an overactive tweeter in my system, because Ben Folds had just a hint of Alvin and the Chipmunks going for him.

Anyway, I was cruising along, beautiful day, wind in my newly-shorn hair that was thankfully not blowing around and obscuring my vision - part of the reason I got it cut by the way - and I was just in heaven. I could've gone on for another nine hours. I was like, "On to California!" Of course, I couldn't. It was just so much fun, I love road-tripping. The going, not the getting here, was certainly good.

And I stopped at Winsteads for steakburgers before I met up with the family at home. They were delicious, and even more so because I hadn't been able to have one in so long. And I got to see my buddies. I swear, after that drive and that meal, I felt like I had just had a nine-hour orgasm. It was spectacular.

And then I got here. Suffice it to say I'm ready to kill my father, and I've been here about six hours. A month and a half is going to be tricky, but I'll do my best.

Wish me luck.

  posted by Matthew @ 12:18 AM