Today I depart for a weekend in Bloomington, where I shall begin preparations to move out of my apartment on the fifteenth on into another one on the eighteenth. Hopefully, by Sunday morning everything will be packed into boxes and the floor will be cleaned. Wish me luck.

  posted by Matthew @ 6:56 AM

 
Oh, right. I had a weird dream last night. I hate to relay the events of a dream in something public like a blog, because I know there are normally few things more boring than someone else's somnolent hallucinations, but I find this one to be particularly interesting.

In it, I had gotten a job (already we've left the bounds of reality) that was some kind of security work, or something. I know this because I was getting shot at a lot. I mean a lot. And I was only getting paid six dollars and five cents an hour, a figure which I remember distinctly. Despite (I hope it was despite) how dangerous my job was, my dad was immensely excited. He even purchased the firearm which I needed to defend myself. It was not a terribly pleasant dream, and I think it reveals the resentment I have against my dad quite nicely. Well, re-reveals I suppose. We already knew that.

  posted by Matthew @ 2:43 PM

 
I'm in a bad mood today.

In exchange for a regular paycheck - right now - that would make me no longer financially dependent on my father, I would gladly discard any semblance of a dream for the future that I might have held at one point. I would sacrifice my principles today, cast aside any chance I would ever have of being fulfilled in any kind of way that I used to think was important, if it meant fiscal independence. I would settle into the kind of boring, nine-to-five, quotidian existence that as recently as a year ago I swore I would kill myself before I would take up. At the time, I had hoped that I was made of stronger stuff than empirical evidence has clearly demonstrated I am. I may have, at one point, thought I had ideals and I thought that I could keep them. Not anymore.

I don't know what's sadder - the fact that I would jump at the oppurtunity to make that concession of principle, or the fact that its not even an option.

  posted by Matthew @ 1:21 PM

 
I had a "movie moment" tonight.

A friend was having a bumpy evening with his girlfriend, who had recently kissed (or been kissed by) a very close friend of his. This has caused some understandable stress between them. For reasons not entirely known to me, I had ended up hanging out with them at a park. My friend had to be home at 2, so I started walking to my car to give him a ride at 1:45 or so. She was walking with us. I was getting the signal that they wanted to talk alone, so I went off to "start the car" so they could talk on their own.

I started it up, rolled down the windows and waited. They were quite a ways behind my car, but I could still see them in my driver's side rear view mirror. They talked for long enough that I decided to turn the radio on, and just then the Vertical Horizon song "Best I've Ever Had" came on. It was perfect. Just afterwards, they finished talking. I could see her walking away and him walking towards me in my mirror, while that song was playing. I was looking for the camera, because I felt like I was in a movie.

I love those moments.

  posted by Matthew @ 3:08 AM