I think we all agree that the Simpsons is not as good a show now as it once was (if you don't, then you can't be my friend anymore) but there is at least one recent episode that I found interesting, if not necessarily as good as they once were.

In the episode where Eric Idle plays the sleazy documentary director, he has this to say of Lisa, more or less: "So you consider yourself more of a buffet intellectual, picking and nibbling at everything until you find something that catches your fancy, or you wake up at age fourty to find yourself managing a Barnes & Noble. Face it, you are a dilettante."

This critique is insane to apply to a second-grader, but I have to admit it hit me pretty close to home. I worry about this, not quite constantly, but pretty close. I mean, let's be serious here: I'm majoring in English and Philosophy with minors in Math and East Asian Cultures. And I may add a major in linguistics and a minor in history and philosophy of science. What career does that add up to? The answer is, of course, not really anything.

If I had some sort of goal for the future, things would be a lot easier. If I knew that I wanted to be rich (not a major issue, actually) I would have selected alternate majors, surely. If I knew that I wanted to do anything in particular, then I could work towards that. It used to be I at least had things I didn't want to do. I've since softened to that, since the possibilities seem so slight I might as well take what I can get. Even so, I'm worried.

Despite the anxiety, I'm not really stressing about it hard-core. A few of my friends have recently told me that they dread the upcoming graduation a great deal, despite the fact that it is at least a year and a half away. I sympathize with them, but can offer little advice. My strategy with this kind of thing is just to kind of go with it, worrying doesn't change anything, right? It's a good idea to let that which does not matter truly slide. I don't know how well I'm doing at it, but that is my goal. Things will work out, I am confident, if I stay dedicated to not falling prey to inertia. That's my fear, really.

Gad, I'm so barely conscious. Which is odd, because I'm not tired, hardly at all. Well, I'll try to get some sleep. Dave Attell and Lewis Black tomorrow! Woot, I declare.

  posted by Matthew @ 4:38 AM

 
I was going to do another heartfelt and poignant post, but I've been scared out of it. If you do a google search for "Pleasant Little Kingdom" - an excellent song from Stephen Sondheim's Follies - the first result is... disturbing. Somebody out there decided to write...

Harry Potter slash / Stephen Sondheim filk.

I am speechless. I am without speech.

  posted by Matthew @ 4:35 AM

 
I have spoken to some of my friends a few times about the girl on whom I had the most serious crush in high school. Generally, the only stories about her that have been relevant have been the bad ones. This has led to the impression that she was a bitch, or something like that. I don't think that was the case at all. She turned me down, sure. But I found an old draft of a letter I wrote to her some months afterwards tonight, and I think it's pretty interesting.

"All the those times I said, 'I like being with you' or 'I think about you a lot' or 'I missed you' I thought that I meant 'I'm in love with you.' ... I meant it then, but I was wrong. It was new to me; I wanted to be in love so much and you were so sweet. I was confused and I'm sorry if I hurt you because of it. I know now what I wanted, even if I didn't then. We could have had a much richer friendship too, if I hadn't acted this way. I'm sorry for keeping that from us as well. But I'm not sorry for one second that we spent together and I never will be. Even though I know that I shouldn't have let myself fall in love like that, I do love you immensely. You are a wonderful, loving, beautiful human being. When you meet with your Storybook Love, the person you really deserve to be with, I can only imagine how happy you'll be together. I hope I can come to the same happiness someday, too. It's too bad that we can't have that with each other. This isn't to say that I'm over you either. Since I waited until I was this old to fall for the first time, I fell hard. You're not an easy person to get over."

In retrospect, I see that I was mostly honest with myself. I say with myself because I never gave her the letter in any form. I probably physically wrote her a half-dozen letters that I never sent. It used to be a way I would think things through. I haven't done it since, though. I think it was probably not entirely accurate to say that was the first time I'd ever fallen in love. It was the first time I'd ever acted on it and probably the hardest I've ever fallen, though. Also, I don't know what I meant when I said "I know I shouln't have let myself fall..." That's a pretty meaningless sentence, but I probably thought it made sense at the time. The rest of it, I think, is relatively accurate.

I was in love with her, she wanted to be friends, and I couldn't deal with that. So we weren't anything. And we were great friends beforehand, but I threw a wrench in the works, so to speak. Well, there were other factors, but that's the one that stands out, for me. I know she wasn't perfect, but I only got to know her well enough to find out that she was almost perfect for me. I like to remember it this way. She was just what I needed, except for one thing. I wasn't what she needed.

I really have almost exclusively fond memories of her. Even the sad times are merely bittersweet, now. This experience definitely affected the way I handle these situations. I don't think I'm going to say exactly how, though.

That's just something I wanted to say. Correct some misunderstandings I've allowed to happen.

  posted by Matthew @ 2:25 AM